every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
