We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
