Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
