i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
