Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
