Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
