I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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