You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
