I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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