i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
