why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize
