So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
