He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
