Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I think I just sharted jello shots
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
