i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
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Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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