Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
