it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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