Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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