Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
