Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
