Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize