So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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