Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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