Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
