Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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