you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
