I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
