I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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