I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
