Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
