I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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