You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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