I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
