You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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