The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
were you high?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one