i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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