I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
