Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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