I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
