Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
