he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
