i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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