Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
