I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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