I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I can't turn off my feet"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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