That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
