How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
