Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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