I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
ttyl tear gas
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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