was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
