Can i not drive my cunt home
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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