If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
