i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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