I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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