he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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