My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
